What Does a Conversation About Volunteering Reveal About Me and Others?

Yesterday, something happened that made me feel ashamed of myself.

First, because I realized I could simply have kept my mouth shut and said nothing. Second, because I could have apologized and acknowledged my own stupidity right there and then. Third, because I did not have enough awareness to correct my mistake in the moment.

I’m writing this down today so I can remember it, and hopefully not make the same mistake again.

We were talking about building the library. M said that they were facing a lot of challenges in the process of making it happen. I responded, roughly, that I would help them so that they could do a good job with the library.

Suddenly, M’s eyes went wide, looking genuinely surprised.

They replied:

— You’re going to help me?

I vaguely sensed that something was off about the way they responded.

“Yeah, of course. I’m helping you build the library.”

— Help with what? I’m the one helping you. I’m not getting anything out of this. What benefit do I get from doing this?!

At that moment, a lot of thoughts were running through my head.

First, I realized that M was seeing the situation as them helping me — meaning that I should be grateful to them, and therefore they were in a higher position than me in this situation. It became a relationship between the giver and the receiver.

And I didn’t like that attitude, because I felt that they were misunderstanding what I meant. I was thinking about something bigger and more collective, while they were reacting to it in a much narrower way.

But actually, the library is a collective project. It doesn’t belong to me alone.

And my original intention was never to position myself above them, helping someone beneath me. I genuinely just wanted to help them achieve their goal of developing the library system.

But when I casually said it that way, M interpreted it as me misunderstanding the situation. That was why they responded, “I’m helping you,” rather than “You’re helping me.”

Looking back, I’m actually quite surprised by their reaction.

I simply thought I would help and support them, purely because I wanted to contribute and work together. It was that simple.

But the word “help” was really problematic. It caused the conversation to go in a direction I had never anticipated.

I realized a few things.

First, M’s understanding of the situation was that they were helping me and contributing their effort to something I was doing. Therefore, I should respect and appreciate that contribution, rather than turning the whole thing around and saying that I was helping them.

Second, I need to be much more careful with the language I use, especially in sensitive contexts involving power dynamics. It is probably better to avoid language that implies hierarchy — language like “helping” someone from a position above them.

But then I also wondered: maybe they were simply too sensitive?

What I said seemed completely normal to me. I genuinely didn’t mean anything else by it. “Help” can simply mean supporting someone, contributing, working together, lending a hand. It doesn’t necessarily imply being in a superior position.

Or maybe it was my tone of voice, my posture, or something that had happened between us before that caused them to interpret it that way?

I honestly don’t know.

Then I half-jokingly, though mostly as a joke, said something like:

“Well, you do get something out of this too. You get value, you get to serve, you get a sense of meaning…”

Of course, M didn’t agree with what I was saying.

D, who was sitting next to us, also responded that those things weren’t really “benefits.” What people actually need is food, a place to sleep, and so on. The things I was talking about weren’t going to help M eat.

But wait.

Something about that felt wrong. It sounded like a kind of rationalization.

First, this whole thing started as volunteering. M was doing it because they wanted to do it. They weren’t asking for anything in return.

So the fact that there was fundamentally no material benefit was completely normal. We had never talked about paying them a salary or providing for their living expenses, except for giving them some Lúa — which, in essence, is primarily a way of expressing gratitude for their contribution, rather than something with a transactional exchange value.

Second, this isn’t a conventional job where someone works in order to earn money to survive.

So bringing up the question of exchanging work for food, housing, or other material necessities doesn’t really belong in this context. If someone wants that kind of arrangement, they can choose another kind of work.

The purposes, expected outcomes, and spirit of the two things are completely different. They shouldn’t be mixed together like that.

D was rationalizing and bringing an unrelated issue into the conversation.

Then I joked again: “Well, if you don’t see it that way, you can just quit. We don’t need you anymore anyway. There are other people already doing it.”

Because D and L had already agreed to take on the work.

Oh God. What a stupid thing to joke about.

And this joke, to some extent, reflects a way of thinking in me that is actually quite alarming.

It’s like: when I need someone, I can be sweet and accommodating; but when I no longer need them, I can simply brush them aside and turn my back on them.

That kind of thinking is shamefully devoid of human loyalty and gratitude.

And even worse, I unintentionally denied and rejected M. I pushed them aside.

That is horrifying.

Especially because M is someone who wants their efforts to be recognized by others.

Saying something like that was basically denying their contribution and implying that what they had done was not important.

Once again, I unintentionally hurt someone.

So, I’ll take the lesson from this.

There are a few things I realized through this experience.

First, the purpose, means, and way of doing something need to be clear.

What are we doing? Why are we doing it? How are we going to do it? Who is involved? When? Where?

These are basic questions, but they need to be clearly distinguished and understood.

Next, I need to change the kind of language I use.

I should use language that reflects equality, companionship, and collaboration, rather than language that implies superiority, helping from above, or looking down on someone.

And I need to internalize this deeply, not just change my vocabulary on the surface, so that I don’t repeat the same pattern again.

Finally, I need to appreciate, value, and consistently acknowledge everything that other people contribute, even when the contribution seems small.

I need to internalize this way of thinking.

I need to learn to see through the lens of recognition, acceptance, and gratitude for other people’s contributions. I shouldn’t forget anyone or overlook anyone, even when what they did seems minor.

And finally, finally: when I am wrong, I need to admit that I am wrong.

When someone helps me see something I couldn’t see before, I should be grateful and acknowledge that they helped me gain that insight.

D also pointed out that besides helping us organize the books, you guys have also been helping me clean my house.

And one more thing:

Being indebted to people — whether emotionally or financially — is always exhausting.

So it’s okay to give others something to owe you, but when it comes to being indebted myself, I should be more restrained and careful, especially when it comes to emotional debts.